Riding the Merry Go Round of Thought

“It is never the unwanted condition itself that has us stuck;
It is that we are unknowingly hung up in habitual thoughts and feelings about our situation.” ~ Guy Finley

 

I love quotes that speak to me. They give me something to focus on and offer a direction to take my thoughts, to sit awhile and ponder. A great starting place to look at, expand on and pick apart for myself, for my own growth and healing. At the moment, I can sure relate to this one.

Finding myself in a “Situation” that has me somewhat in limbo and a little numb. Traveling from South Carolina to Florida back to South Carolina with daughter in tow, to turn around and head back to Florida to where I am now, in Pennsylvania. Lots of miles under my backside since December and many months living out of a suitcase. In the past 5 months, I have only been at home base for one month.

Figuring out a new “way to be” and how to navigate in unfamiliar surroundings with each spacial transition. Trying to maintain a level of Self-care and self-imposed normalcy so I don’t spontaneously combust has become a daunting task. My surroundings are not proving to be very nurturing to my spirit and I’m feeling extremely oppressed and caged, admittedly and in part fueled by past experience.

flying-743030_1280isabellevelloso

Having to face old demons, people, fear and choices. Decisions that I put off, choices not made from self-doubt or fear of hurting someone else are presenting themselves yet again.

Decide already! Choose…Commit…Grow.

I’m finding a few Downsides to this situation of Round and Round I Go. I conclude that these downsides are of my own making, regardless how valid or “real” they appear. Not liking being far from South Carolina, the state I have called home since 2009. The home where I have my herbs, my art, my bed (oh, how I miss my bed!) and am surrounded by trees. Trees everywhere. The place where I interact with every day and pray, do things that I enjoy doing, have a sense of me – surrounded by me and the life I was creating. Instead, No space of my own to go and just be. Only a few basics – 2 pairs of jeans, a few t-shirts, toiletries and a computer.

What has me feeling most uncomfortable is this congested, noisy city. Oh, I long for the simplicity of natural surroundings & wide open spaces, of the life I was leading. To sit in nature, in silence, in the middle of vast darkness and actually see stars with a cup of tea in hand, sitting with the Moon as she lights up the night from above or greeting the day and sitting with the Sun as it rises. I miss having to drive 17 miles to the store and not having to deal with traffic.

Also my friends and fur babies. Izzi, who listens without judgment or expectation. My wild, flying through the air calico – Noka, Aware the White Wolf, Nemo the Elder, Gabby the princess, & magical Mystic & her new baby, Zen. Their love and antics lighten up any day. I Love & Miss y’all!

And the ultimate downer, The Universe for putting me here, having to confront my fears, my doubts and make a choice, regardless of others wants expectations and desires for me.

photo-1422544834386-Milada Vigerova

Black/White, Yin/Yang, Light/Dark, of course, there’s a few Upsides … and Yes, ever so Grateful: I get to spend time connecting and sharing in the simple joy of loving and being with my newest grandson, 6 mo. old Jason Blake (aka JJ aka Jay Jr.). There’s also my son Jay & his love, Julie for their gift of JJ, their hospitality, and sofa. Can’t leave out my Daughter. It’s a hard road, and much still to do but I am grateful for the trust she has in me and the honor of helping her through one of the hardest times in her life, getting clean. We get to heal our relationship as we go. Even if I don’t quite want to believe it right now, I know I am okay. I am safe albeit feeling insecure.

The Ultimate Upside ~ The Universe put me here, to face my fears, my doubts and make a Choice – to choose a new road or alter the existing regardless of others wants, expectations and desires for me.

So finding myself once again in “The Stuck Cycle of Habitual Thought”, my mind races, emotions spin in my head and in my heart. Replay, process, accept, forgive, let go … start over. “It is never the unwanted condition itself that has us stuck” – All in all a place is just a place, something that happens or doesn’t happen is just that, so how I relate and experience it is what makes it wanted or unwanted. I am the one doing the relating, stuck and allowing the struggle, experiencing resistance and with it, some anger.

With me, most things in my life have more layers that trigger emotions and resistance. I am 52 years old and have moved 55 times in my life. Moving is a big trigger. Not all moves were in my control so with that in mind, still a hell of a lot of moving and the last major move was last June. That move was supposed to be everything I had envisioned and I sacrificed a lot to get to. The most important thing for me was to find a place that I could call home. A place that was my sacred space, where I could live my life the way I wanted. I needed to feel some security, feel safe and set down some roots.

All I wanted was a simple existence, to create my little piece of heaven, help myself and help others. I thought I found that, but when other people are involved, things don’t always end up the way we want. That in itself isn’t the trigger, the trigger is not having a place to call home. The bigger trigger for me is feeling safe. So yup, not feeling very secure right now.

girl-513772_1280Bonnybbx

Have to admit that I am kicking myself as well. For not listening to me and following my own intuition. Man, I could write volumes and usually do. But all this spinning in my head is causing me to have trouble with flow, with making any sense. In the absence of any resolution, I just keep on clearing out and letting go of things that I no longer need… try to remain open to new and exciting possibilities and continue to put the pieces back together. Praying this heart open’s a little bit more with each release. Let it crack, let the pieces fall so it can mend.

It never ceases to amaze me how the Universe will keep presenting the same thing over and over until I stop ignoring it, willingly open to it, Get it, Learn it, See it, Do it … Understand what it means to me, Follow the Truth of what it is from that place of knowing, my own heart.

So the cycle continues, round and round I go …

Afterthought as I was re-reading what I had written, I heard that little voice utter a sweet reminder … “Simple, Safe, Secure and Sacred Space is already within. Go there.”

Be Blessed ~ Bathed in Love

Wee bit of a Side note: It may seem strange to hear me say that I am not finding the State I was raised in to be nurturing, honestly it’s just the specific location and its energy. I would most likely not be saying that if I was plopped in the Central or even Northern parts of the state right now. Lately, when I am overwhelmed I transport myself there for visualizing or needing to just get a sense of calm. Different story, a different day perhaps. Let’s just leave it at “I Love Central PA. Plant me in Womelsdorf any day!”

Images Courtesy of:

Statue: pixabay/Sonnenstrahl

Flying: pixabay/Isabelle Velloso

Girl: unsplash/Mili Vigerova

Girl in Bubble: pixabay/Bonnybbx

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