To often I have trouble turning off my mind. In the past I fit into one of those Super categories, sometimes all at once … the “Super Mom – Super Friend – Super Boss” , complete with cape! A super-dooper human doing – whether awake or asleep. As the years moved on, the roles changed but the cape still flew and the mind still ran marathons. Constantly in “go” mode. Do, do, do, think, think, think …Thinking about everything that ever happened, the good, the bad and the ugly. Pain, hurt, being alone and misunderstood, what could I have done differently?, all the would a, could a’s, and all the should have said’s …. A perpetual roller coaster ride of thought and emotion.
During one of my “Dark Nights” I shut down. I had become completely numb. I didn’t know me anymore. My Life experiences had taken away all I thought I knew about myself, who I thought I was, and I questioned life, everything about Life, even if I wanted to be a part of it at all. I became a version of myself that I didn’t recognize at all and truthfully, didn’t want to know. One extreme to the other – super functioning to an empty shell just taking up space. I realized that what I needed more than anything was some peace. How could I go from someone always on the go to brain dead with a pulse. Whether right or wrong with the whats, whys, hows didn’t matter. I needed to find some balance, I needed to feel peace, I needed to feel alive.
In all ways a person could run, I ran. I can see now how we are always where we need to be, but not at the time. The turning point, the pivotal moment for me came in 2005 while I was curled on the floor, in an empty house I had just rented, in an area I did not know, and where no one knew where I was. Out of no where I heard, “Be Still, know that I AM god.” Sitting up, looking around, I can remember saying out loud … Impossible, I didn’t just hear that? Whether I heard it or not doesn’t really matter, what mattered is that in that one moment, it gave me focus, it took me away from myself.
Somewhere in me, I knew that I was just given my answer and I needed to just Be Still. Stop thinking, stop beating myself up, stop running, just stop and be still.
So my mantra after years of stress and trauma became a verse from Psalms. Every time I was surrounded by chaos in my world – from one chaotic crisis to another, Chaos from a mind that would not quit, from fear, from doubt, from the feelings of not being good enough and broken, I would say to myself and out loud, “Be Still”. In time, I came to understand this at a very deep, profound and personal level.
The more I heard myself say, “Be Still” the more peaceful I became. I learned how to turn off my mind, like hitting a switch. It brought with it an immediate calm no matter what I find myself in or however I am feeling. It brought with it a new perspective. It opened doors unimaginable to me. It opened Me to Me, the deep down knowing place of me.
Stillness has been my greatest teacher. Through Stillness, I am constantly learning to see the world in a different way – to experience life and live with new eyes. Through Stillness I have felt my heart beat with the beat of the Earth, felt the caress of Her energy as I am planted firmly, butt to ground. Through Stillness, I can hear music where none is playing. Through Stillness, I am learning how to care for myself, what I need and desire, to Let go and just Be Present in each miraculous moment.
One thing I know for sure is that no matter what I think I know, I don’t know. Through Stillness, I have come to see that there is always a new realization, a new expression or a new for me, deeper understanding … and through Stillness, I have learned that I AM enough.